Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he was CRYING into my vagina
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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