i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
