Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
