The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
