Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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