eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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