I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
