I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
