i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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