I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
