you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
