The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
