His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
