im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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