Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
two words...techno handjob
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My dick has a subreddit
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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