I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
