Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
