Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
