How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
