I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize