If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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