I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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