see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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