i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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