I'm lost and stupid without you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
