I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
