i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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