Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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