Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
