my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
