i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
