every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You made out with two different species that night
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think my moral compass just broke
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
