my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
please come you make the beer taste better
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
