I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
