I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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