I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
