fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
