There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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