Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
