One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
