I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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