Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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