you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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