nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
