And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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