did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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