..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
