Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
