Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
