i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
