broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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