1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
youre lurking in front of me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
