somebody snuck up and got me drunk
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
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nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
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I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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