I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
