I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he was CRYING into my vagina
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
