Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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