don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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