dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
