I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
