so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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